Let me start with a confession. 

When I was approached to write a commentary about marriage, my first reaction was “No thanks!” 

First of all, it’s such a broad topic. Where do I begin? Where does anyone begin to talk about something so steeped in antiquity?

Secondly, I’m a man in my mid-50s, married for 25 years with two sons (one a Gen Alpha, and the other the youngest of Gen Z’s). Why on earth would I be exploring the merits of marriage now, after a quarter of a century of marital and familial life? When I still have kids who are grappling with homework and pimples!

More importantly, why would anyone listen to me about marriage? Especially if they are Gen Z’s. After all, I’m close to – if not exactly in – the same age bracket of their parents. So anything I have to say here about the merits of marriage will likely sound more like some lecture by an annoying uncle. Or worse. A public service announcement about the wonders and benefits of marriage, and how everyone should get on board! (I can almost hear the rowdy protests: “Scam! Scam! Scam!”)

Thirdly, from professionals to politicians to parents, everyone and their grandmother have already talked about this topic ad nauseam. And they still do! What makes me think I have anything new or revolutionary to add to the mountains upon mountains of discourse on this topic, by people far more experienced than I am?

And so I politely declined and thought the matter settled. 

Sadly, I was wrong.

Pebble in my shoe

Like a pebble in my shoe, this request kept bugging me for days and weeks. I just couldn’t shake it off no matter how I tried. It reminded me of when my kids were younger, and how they kept hounding me to buy them another Lego. Or let them watch another 30 minutes of TV.

Before I knew it, I was reading up about prevailing trends and what people today view about marriage. (Spoiler Alert: It’s NOT rosy!) And whether marriage was even relevant in today’s world of evolving and revolving relationships.

Before I knew it, I began to notice how Gen Z ladies in particular have undergone the most significant changes in terms of how they apparently are “de-prioritising” marriage in their lives, viz-a-viz their predecessors from just a decade ago. (Check out Cultivate’s 2024 study here)

Next thing I knew, I was reaching out to speak to a few of these Gen Z ladies to understand how they view marriage.

And here’s what I found from interviewing four ladies between the ages of 22 and 25, and a couple of empty-nesters with grown-up kids aged 27 and 30.

There is hope

First and foremost, despite the down trends today’s studies on marriage show, I’m actually confident most young women still hold out hope to be married someday. 

Why do I say that? 

Because every one of the ladies I interviewed (as well as the empty-nesters) were unanimous in their overall optimistic views of the benefits of having a committed, significant other in their lives. And a few of them are already in such committed relationships, sans the marriage certificate.

As we know, commitment and significance are important and established hallmarks of unions like marriage. Those of us who are as old as me, or older, and been married as long as I have, or longer, would unquestionably nod our heads in agreement. 

From interactions with my interviewees, I know most of them have witnessed up close strong marriages which give them hope for their own someday. Especially when they find that special someone to share their lives with.

There is desire

Second, the young ladies I spoke to have at least a diploma or degree. In short, they (among their peers) have the most life options available in their future, be it in the areas of career, travel and leisure, financial autonomy or independent living. 

Yet, despite how many news reports and studies tell us that these are the very women who treat marriage as just another option they can take or not, I sense in my interviewees an unspoken desire to know and experience for themselves what their parents and other loving couples they see, have.

This was an important insight for me, because the reality is that today’s young women have choices their predecessors never had. Today, marriage is truly an option among many other life options and pathways. And this reality isn’t up for debate any longer, even if one is tempted to argue against it. 

To my peers and older, I’m not kidding when I say we would be “courting trouble” if today we suggest to someone, under 35 years of age, that marriage ought not to be a mere option but an imperative life journey they must take.

But having said that, we can take heart. From what I can infer from the interviews, there is still a desire among Gen Z’s to savour what a committed union like marriage can offer.

Which brings me to my final point of discovery.

There is curiosity

I know few born before the 1990’s who question why marriage is a rite of passage, an “inevitable” stage of adulthood. They – or should I say we -just marry! And often with nary a thought.

That means – other than our lived experience that’s sometimes visible but not always – we old fogeys don’t really have any convincing answers in support of marriage for today’s highly informed and connected digital native Gen Z’s. 

Yet, it is this seeming lack of answers that only spur curiosity among them. What is marriage? Why marry? Whom to marry? What if the marriage fails? Can we not live long, meaningful lives without being married?

Take the plunge

Of course, in defence of us old(er) fuddy-duddies, how does anyone make visible the joys and benefits of marriage anyway? When these joys and benefits aren’t often evident unless experienced firsthand.

Like when you walk past that park bench where you got down on one knee and held up an engagement ring to the love of your life all those years ago.

Or you exchange a wistful knowing glance when, while walking through a mall, you hear a familiar tune that was the same one played at your wedding.

Or when your hand casually brushes your significant other’s as you both simultaneously reach for coffee cups in the kitchen of your matrimonial home.

The truth is, the joys and benefits of marriage are more often than not the intangibles and fleeting moments of the day. And these shared moments can so easily slip past our conscious awareness. So much so, we forget why we chose to “tie the knot” in the first place, all those years ago!

Yes. Love songs. Romance novels. Date night movies. All these may pique the curiosity of young people as to what’s in store if they commit their lives to someone. 

But in the end, the only way to really assuage that curiosity is to take the plunge.

As frightening as that might sound, perhaps what will help ease the fear of the unknown is if the older generations like mine, who have walked the path before, boldly step forth and demonstrate the experience of marriage openly with words, actions, and our lived experience. 

Warts and all.

Then, stand aside and watch as the Gen Z’s, Gen Alphas, etc. make up their own minds.

Speaking of which, “Sons, can you put aside your homework and spare your Dad a sec?”

Kelvin Seah

Kelvin Seah is a writer, and adjunct communications lecturer in writing, public speaking, corporate communications, copyediting, and digital & social media management. Since 2020, he’s been busy authoring his first book-length memoir on being a stay-at-home dad, as well as other book projects. But his favourite roles in life are being a husband of one wife since 2000, a hands-on father to his sons (born in 2009 and 2011 respectively), and blogging about special needs, parenting, culture, education, work, writing, and life in general. These days, when not writing, teaching or parenting, Kelvin stays cool, calm and collected by retreating to parks and pools with his favourite music, movies and memoirs. He writes about autism, parenting, and life at kelvinsmusings.com.