Men and women are both part of society. They are important to society.

We cannot succeed as a society if either men or women, or both, are demoralised and floundering in life. We need both of them to flourish and to have their abilities, contributions, and talents developed to the fullest in constructive ways.

Impact of Bad Messages on Men and Boys

I have seen some kinds of messages – particularly coming out of the West and in a lot of these social media channels – where men are somehow portrayed as being the problem in society.

And when these kinds of messages become very widespread and become ingrained, it can be very demoralising for boys and young men. That is problematic, when you make men feel like they are the problem.

You do not automatically get men saying, “Okay, you know what? Let’s just try to fix all the problems that you have accused us of. Let’s try to find a solution.”

If you keep telling men that they are bad, it might drive them perhaps to believe that they are indeed bad. And they might say, “Let’s just be bad all the way.”

It can drive them towards very extreme kinds of attitudes.

Let’s say if somebody has been telling young boys that they are bad all the time and they hear someone out there – some influencer, some social media star, whatever it is – to come in and say that, “Hey, look, we actually see you, we value you, and I think you are good. You know, don’t listen to all these people.”

Now, it is very easy for them to be taken in by such messages and to be influenced by all kinds of bad influences, if these influencers really have those kinds of bad motives in mind.

I do not think it is wise or fruitful to demoralise any particular sex, whether it be men or women or any particular age group, whether it be young men, young women or old men, old women, so on and so forth.

I do not think it is good to drive those kinds of wedges.

What is Good for Men and Boys?

So after talking about what’s bad, let’s talk about what’s good.

We need a few things in place.

I think the first thing that strikes me is the idea of a positive moral vision. If you think about all the kinds of groups that have traditionally existed to develop boys into men –like the Boy Scouts or, in Singapore, National Service – these are really about setting a higher goal and a higher purpose, and working together with other boys or men to achieve that goal together.

The next point is quite related, which is about having mentors and role models who are willing to guide younger men or younger boys along. Throughout this period of growing up here in Singapore and certainly going through National Service, I think that is something that many of us resonate with and understand. Because you look up to role models who model good attitude, good behaviours, skill, competence in what they do, and also, at the same time, exhibit a certain sense of character even in the midst of adversity.

Those kinds of mentors and role models are really important for younger boys and men. Of course, we are sometimes sceptical of the role of mentors or role models because we read news reports or stories of people who take advantage of people under their charge, whether it be child abuse, sexual abuse and all of that.

It can make us sceptical. But what this is saying is we need better role models and better mentors. We should not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

We need to put in guardrails and rules for accountability, to make sure that any kind of mentors or role models behave themselves in responsible manners, so that there is a form of discipline that is instilled, also for people who are in positions of authority. We should not rule out the entire idea of having mentors or role models, because that is going to be dangerous and harmful.

Norms, Rules and Guardrails

On a wider societal level, it would really help to build healthy relationships between men, women and children and all in between to thrive.

Men cannot do it alone. They have to be norms, rules and guardrails to guide men in their interactions with other men and with women and with children; on topics like sex and dating, that is a good thing.

There are a lot of the malpractices in terms of sexual assault, sexual misconduct, pornography and so on and so forth, which are being highlighted. These behaviours are indeed bad.

But rather than just saying that all these behaviours are bad, we need to really think about what is good behaviour, and what is appropriate behaviour. It is important to say that certain kinds of behaviours are unacceptable.

But the flip side of that is: Is there any kind of modelling of positive relationships?

So, setting those guardrails in place would be very important: Getting men to strive, to envision, and to commit towards an enduring relationship and marriage, and to take responsibility for the children that they father.

I think that is a very, very high calling for men everywhere. And we want to inculcate that sense of moral responsibility in every single young boy.