At July’s Commune, we heard from Angelia, a lawyer and mother of two, on how she finds time to make friends and build her existing community.

On friendship, Angelia mused: “In every other context, there’s always some duty or responsibility attached to a relationship, for instance in a parent-child or spousal relationship. But friendships are truly voluntary, and they embody one of the purest ways of showing love.” 

A self-professed extrovert, she actively seeks out people to connect with, whether it’s other mothers with kids of similar ages, or much younger friends who offer her different and valuable perspectives on life.  

We also heard from Angelia’s long-time friend, Kexin, who is in a different season of life. The avid long-distance runner, also runs her own law firm, and is currently not seeing anyone. She, like Angelia, has learnt to make space for her friends in various life stages (and their kids), and to pace with them. 

Kexin, being the more introverted of the two, shared that while her friends mostly chose her because she wouldn’t usually seek out new friends, friendships are one of the pillars in her life which she leans on for comfort, support, and wisdom. 

Part of the dialogue observed how Singapore could be very stratified – young children attend preschool and childcare, share common experiences in their own stratas of primary, secondary school, then perhaps tertiary education. Work happens, and suddenly common friends that we grew up with are not with us all the time anymore. We are not used to speaking or making friends with those who are in a different life stage, season, or context.   

Ironically, in our hyperconnected world, social media has also created a situation where we can be easily updated on everyone’s lives, but such online interactions might lack meaningful depth.  

When one or more in a group of single friends get attached, it might be helpful to acknowledge the change in dynamics and have an open conversation about how singles feel about the change. Kexin explained, “ When you get married or in a relationship, you don’t feel that much of a change in your relationship with your single friends, but there’s an additional something in your life. Whereas from a single’s perspective, there’s a loss.”  

Married friends with kids also envy the freedoms that their single friends enjoy, and it can cause that divide where the marrieds and singles find it difficult to identify with each other. 

This spoke to us about the importance of being open and honest in our friendships, to bring about greater mutual understanding. 

One young father shared how marriage could be a loaded concept. “It carries unsaid notions of ‘I’m finally an adult, I got married, I have kids.’ There are tons of people posting pictures of their kids, and how they went through this and that. That’s how married people sometimes alienate others. Singles may feel contemptuous or dismissive towards marriage, because they feel that they are missing out. Just an awareness of the other person helps.”   

Beyond acknowledging the change and being sensitive to one’s single friends when one enters a different season in life, it also helps for both single and married friends to be intentional about keeping friends. Angelia shared that besides carving out time to meet up with friends, married friends can also invite single friends into their family life: “It doesn’t have to be an occasion all the time. Not everything needs to be a serious meet up.”  

It was readily acknowledged that there are mental barriers on the part of both marrieds and singles in keeping up the friendship – those who are single might meet less with married friends who have children, partly because they dread being reminded of what they do not (yet) have. Those who are married, especially with kids, might feel that they are imposing on their single friends if they bring their rowdy kids along, or end up having to cancel an adult-only meetup at the last moment because their kids fall ill or if childcare plans fall through, because #parenthood. 

There might be many obstacles to keeping up with friends in different seasons, “but overall on balance it’s still better to have the company,” Kexin said. “At some point you just have to decide that isolating yourself is not the best. Hanging out with your friends and getting to know their kids is also something very precious.” 

Angelia agreed. “Be comfortable with “imposing yourself” on your friends. If we are too self-conscious, we will feel too awkward to ask for help in times of need. Being open and willing to take a risk on people is worth it. You may think the person is so busy now because she’s a mom, which is true, but you won’t know, maybe she’s willing to set aside time for you.” 

Carving out time from the kids can be beneficial in the sense that it gives an added layer of identity to the parent, that one is also valued as a good friend. 

Angelia shared candidly about how Kexin had once witnessed a rather ugly argument between Angelia and her husband which lasted over 2 hours. “It was one of the worst fights ever. She had to be the mediator,” Angelia laughed. “But I feel that it helped her have insight into family life, and being so raw is appreciated.” 

Kexin concurred that having that it was also a good reality check for her, as singles might sometimes romanticise the idea of getting married and having a family. 

Besides relating with friends in the same age group, our speakers and other friends also echoed the value of cultivating friendships across generations.   

Angelia on spending time with younger people: “I get a lot of insight into how the younger generation thinks. I’m being prepared for the kind of things that will come up when my kids become teens! You might not vibe with that person, but it comes down to whether you think it’s important to seek out such friendships or stay within your comfort zone, and is the latter necessarily a good thing ?” 

The value of friendships across different life seasons and across generations cannot be overstated. What are some attitudes and practices we can adopt that might help with maintaining these friendships? 

One of our older participants, who was a professor and mentor to some of the participants when they were in university, shared about maintaining friendships between married friends with kids and singles: “There is a balance in that sense, you cut your friends some slack and be accommodating, but the other person mustn’t respond with taking it for granted. What helps is being sensitive to those in different seasons, and recognising that either season is a gift. As you grow older, you realise every marriage is trying. And very difficult!” 

Angelia admitted that for her as a married person interacting with her single friends, she often has to fight her own preconceived notions that she’s been there, done that. “Do you have the humility to accept that just because you are one stage later, you don’t have all the right answers on what your single friend needs?” 

Kexin encouraged us all to “really see your friends for why you were friends in the first place, before your different seasons”. That is how we find the impetus to keep our friendships going. 

In a community setting, for those married with kids, it is also about learning to cede control – very often parents can let their desire for control seep into every area of their lives, feeling that they have to control everything in their child’s life. Such an approach makes it difficult for one to be meaningfully part of a community where there might be very different opinions and practices.  

Having some non-negotiables and a baseline routine is important for children, but being able to exercise flexibility in certain settings also teaches children that there is an appropriate time for everything, and that they can adapt and flow with changes. To put it simply, it’s alright if one of your friends offers your child a sweet! 

Another participant who was also single shared that she had leaned into the role of “village auntie” when it came to hanging out with her friends with kids. She would help to ease logistical burdens when they were out: “When we eat at the hawker centre, I would help reserve the table for my friends and their kids so that we can all sit together, and then stay with the kids when the parents go to order food.” 

This gem of a “village auntie” also explained that it helps when the children see their parents’ friends valuing them as well, paying them attention, “instead of relegating the kids to the room so that the adults can talk”. She had a friend who asked her to give the kids all the attention for the first 15 minutes upon her arrival, and after that the children were happy to play on their own, because they felt seen and heard. “It’s us singles embracing the community in a larger sense, so that when the children are older, they don’t mind talking to me.”  

For singles who see value in helping their friends raise their kids, some of these small interactions may sow into a relationship where children, when older, would seek their parent’s friend for “good advice” – especially when they find it hard to speak with their parents first.  

Enjoyed the insights and candid sharing? Our next Commune event is a special feature on Success and Flourishing in Singapore. Come hear from invited speaker / moderator Dr Tan Seow Hon from the Yong Pung How School of Law, SMU, as she shares her insights about why Singaporeans are said to have narrow mindsets of success, and what it means to truly flourish and find meaning in life.  

She is joined by two panellists, one a mother of two and life coach, another a father of five and a compliance officer, who will speak about how they grapple with success and flourishing in their lives, with a view to shaping the current narrative.  

We look forward to having you! Sign up here.