It has been a while since my young adults were home for dinner; their lives are so much busier than mine sometimes. I have been wanting to hear their thoughts on a topic close to our hearts for a while.
Just a piece of paper?
Me: “Ladies, what do your friends think about marriage as an institution in society? And what do you think? How similar or different are your views with your friends?”
Nicole: “A lot of people I know think that marriage is just a piece of paper. Because if you love someone and mutually committed to the relationship, it doesn’t really matter especially if the couple does not intend to have children.”
Me: “Yeah that’s valid. Do you think that marriage is actually good for society?”
Gillian: “You mean so that there can be more babies in our country to tackle the problem of low birth rate?”
Me: “Yeah. Children thrive best when raised by their married biological mum and dad who have a healthy relationship with each other. Not just financially, but also emotionally, socially, and even mentally. Of course, no family is perfect—and single parents work super hard—but statistically, stable married families give their children a strong foundation in life. You know, isn’t it amazing that when a baby is born, the mother is always near? In fact, we need to cut the umbilical cord to split them apart. But where is the father? The institution of marriage is like the invisible umbilical cord to bind the father to both the mother & baby, so that he can provide and protect them.”
Gillian: “I guess that makes sense. But to many people around me that feels a bit old-school. Like, the definition of family seems more flexible now.”
Me: “It is. Culture is shifting a lot and very quickly. But the data hasn’t changed much. In fact, even in countries that celebrate different family structures, research still shows that children do best with both mum and dad are actively present, working together in a stable and loving marriage.”
Nicole: “Some people think that living together, I mean cohabitating, is basically the same thing…”
Me: “It’s interesting that social science indicates that cohabiting couples are way more likely to break up, even if they have children. This mode of connection does not make couples work towards commitment, unlike marriage which creates a deep sense of responsibility and stability. Actually in future when you have a boyfriend and he asks you to move in with him to save money and time in meeting up, can consider asking him: if you love me enough to live with me, what is holding you back from marrying me?”
What if it doesn’t work out?
Gillian: “But what if people just don’t feel ready for marriage? Or they are afraid of divorce and all the troublesome processes involved?”
Me: “That fear is real. The solution isn’t to avoid marriage though. It’s to first prepare yourself well as an individual, and be open to what life offers. Part of the problem is that society treats marriage like a lifestyle choice or Instagram photo op. But it’s really a lifelong commitment— a daily decision to love someone faithfully, grow up together, and build a family that blesses others, especially their children. Oh by the way, when you have a boyfriend and you both are discussing potential marriage, please know that the marriage proposal itself doesn’t need Daddy and me or any of your friends involved ok; it should be a private moment just between both of you and really there is no need to be so elaborate and filmed for everyone to see. It’s like there is a competition to have the most creative way of making a public proposal. You should have the right to take time to consider the lifelong decision carefully with wise counsel of others in your life, and you should have the right to decline, instead of accepting the proposal publicly just because you want to avoid him losing face in front of many people.”
Nicole: “Okay okay, chill. I need a boyfriend first. But seriously, does marriage actually make people happier?”
Me: “That’s a good question. A study says married people—on average—report higher levels of happiness, health, and even longevity. Especially when they’re in a stable marriage. It’s like marriage gives you a safe space to thrive – emotionally and mentally. Marriage is about choosing someone again and again, even when life is messy. Marriage done right is character-building. It teaches patience, forgiveness, sacrifice—all the hard but beautiful stuff.”
Nicole: “But don’t you think modern dating culture makes marriage harder? Like it’s so swipe-based now. So many people can’t or don’t want to commit.”
Me: “Exactly. Many people live in a very consumer mindset. If someone isn’t meeting our expectations, we move on. But real love is unconditional. It is about giving, not just getting. Marriage teaches that.”
But… it limits women’s choices?
Nicole: “I hear some people argue that marriage is just a tool of patriarchy. Like it limits women’s choices.”
Me: “Actually marriage— when it’s healthy and respectful —protects women. It creates a structure where both husband and wife take responsibility for each other and their children. In fact, women and children often face more risks outside of marriage—financially, emotionally, even physically.”
Gillian: “I never thought about it that way. Some people around me see marriage more like a personal life option rather than one that has social and economic implications.”
Me: “Marriage also holds our communities together. Families are the basic unit of society. Strong marriages lead to strong families, which lead to strong neighbourhoods, schools, even national identity.”
Nicole: “Makes sense. But still—what would you say to someone who says, ‘Marriage isn’t for me’?”
Me: “I’d say: That’s okay. Not everyone is called to marriage. But don’t dismiss its value just because it doesn’t feel relevant now. Whether we get married or not, we still live in a society shaped by how we treat marriage. If fewer people marry or stay married, it impacts our entire economic and social structure.”
Gillian: “So you’re saying, more than romance, it’s also about responsibility.”
Me: “Yes. And legacy. Marriage isn’t just two people saying, ‘I love you.’ It’s two people saying, ‘Let’s build something beautiful and lasting, for us and for those who come after us.’ That’s why it matters.”
Nicole: “Good point.”
Me: “I just hope that you both have the fuller picture of marriage as an institution. You’re entering a stage where society will tell you to chase careers, independence, freedom, mixed with all the woman empowerment messages. Those are important, and so is the beauty of covenant, of creating a family with someone who shares your vision of life. Together as a couple you can do greater things for others than what you both individually can do, to make a positive difference to our world as a family.”
Gillian: “I do hope to be a mum like you some day.”
Me: “When the time comes, just book my calendar and I will make time to help you look after your children. Marriage is a brave choice, a comprehensive union involving a lifelong commitment that can strengthen your character and potentially create new lives that bring joy and hope to your family. Marriage is worth considering.”
Final Thoughts
To the readers—whether you are married, dating, single, or figuring things out: know that not every marriage is broken; many do work very hard to make things work and to grow together with their spouse even when times are difficult, because they value the wedding vows they made and the person whom they have chosen to grow old together. A strong marriage is a stabilising force in the family, and a public good to society.
To fellow parents, let’s be courageous to do hard things for the sake of our children. Regardless of whether we have issues in our marriage, or if we are separated, divorced or widowed, let’s be bold to talk to our children about dating & marriage. They deserve to know the truth about what the institution of marriage really is – the good and the bad. Let’s give them a vision of its beauty while being real to the challenges it involves. Let’s fight for our marriage; we may never know what good we are doing for our children and their generation by simply working to stay healthy in our marriage. There is hope.
References:
Marriage and the Public Good – Ten Principles (2nd Edition) by The Witherspoon Institute
Manning WD. Cohabitation and Child Wellbeing. Future Child. 2015 Fall;25(2):51-66. doi: 10.1353/foc.2015.0012. PMID: 26929590; PMCID: PMC4768758.
Married people are living their best lives, extracted from https://ifstudies.org/blog/married-people-are-living-their-best-lives on 8 Aug 2025
Carol Loi
Carol Loi is a certified digital wellness educator, a certified mental toughness coach as well as a Maxwell Leadership Certified youth and family coach. As a social entrepreneur, she co-founded a ground-up movement for parents by parents called SGFamilies. She has served in the Singapore public service for over two decades, including the Economic Development Board, Ministry of Education and Info-communications Media Development Authority. She holds a Master of Business Administration from the Nanyang Technological University, specialising in technology and human capital management. Carol and her husband are very proud of their two young adult daughters.
